It’s been a while since i’ve blogged, i’ve been busy and just haven’t found the time to, annoyingly, because I love writing.
I know it’s a bit early to be reflective of the year and this is usually something done around new year. But I will be in Sydney for New year this year and also i’m in a really happy place. I tend to blog how I feel at that moment in time, rather than plan blogs.
I ended 2017 single & a broken woman, having come out of a mentally abusive relationship. I was a mess I will openly admit that, I was at my lowest I would go to work have panic attacks and have to come home. I struggled to leave my house and was constantly anxious. It was the worst i had ever been. Fortunately, I had the support of my family and best friend.
In 2018 I decided to make a change, i HAD to make a change, i was losing sight of who i was, i just ‘didn’t care anymore i was depressed & lost.’ I started by going to Thailand with my best friend, there is nothing like travelling & experiencing different cultures to make you re-asses the world & give yourself a break. I didn’t wear make up, I didn’t do my hair, I conquered my fear of heights and did things i never thought i could do! When you’ve been at your lowest point, there’s nothing that can scare you; so i jumped off cliffs, i zip lined, i snorkelled & jumped off boats. I was living my life & it was good to ‘feel’ again.
From the moment I came back, I knew I needed to put myself first for a change. i learnt this from my best friend who is doing better than ever after her break up, I wanted to feel the way she did! I started by changing my job, in law it’s hard to stay in one place because you’re forever chasing that end goal of qualifying - so I changed jobs to a place that would give me this opportunity.
Although the gym was my go to place for self care, I didn’t want to fall into a bad habit of overtraining just for the sake of it. Instead I allowed myself rest days, usually i would feel guilty about sitting around all day doing nothing, i couldn’t concentrate on TV but i changed that mindset. I forced myself to have a lie in and i forced myself to sleep on the weekend. The outcome - it did my body and mind a world of good!! i felt so refreshed during the week knowing i could have that time to myself on the weekends. I began going to bed early and reading; i managed to power through 11 books within 2 weeks - I love the feeling of getting lost in a book and learning. I also did the usual thing of changing my hair, getting back into the gym and pampering myself!
I learnt, with the help of my momma, that there was nothing wrong with me, despite being told there was previously. I used to get ‘it’s all in your head’ & ‘you should wear this you should look like this’ - I thought every bad thing was as a result of my actions. But that was so WRONG. No one should ever make anyone feel that way, there is NOTHING wrong with you! They are the ones with something wrong. As soon as I learnt this I became selfish, I put work first and my career. I did everything possible to get what I want and stand out because i know what I deserve and what i work hard for. I took the same approach to dating, (when I eventually plucked up the courage to get back in the game). I only ever went on first dates, if they wasn’t upfront with their intentions - I sacked them off. I knew what i wanted & what I deserved. Why should you settle for anything less than what you deserve??
Putting myself first improved all aspects of my life, i fell in love with my job and law again, i had that drive to be a lawyer again. I had drive in the gym again and i got back into writing.
A year on from that time in my life, i am where i want to be in my career & i have met the man of my dreams - he is the person i have always deserved & loves me for me. I’ve always believed everything happens for a reason and everything will fall into place someday.
If you are struggling right now or in a dark place i’ve been there. i’ve been at my lowest, you have to find the strength to push through even when you don’t want to.